


i'll sing you a lullaby (where you die at the end)

by bloodyhalefire



Series: currently untitled reylo series [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Study, DESPITE THE TITLE NOBODY DIES I PROMISE, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, POV Finn (Star Wars), POV Outsider, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Trials, finn and ben have a very complex relationship, the last three are only mentioned sorry, this is a weird combo of a ben character study and finn character study, why do people ignore how finn is funny like he was comedy gold in tfa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23587216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodyhalefire/pseuds/bloodyhalefire
Summary: “I just wanna talk to you,” Finn pauses. “And also ask some questions.”Ren raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t it against the rules of the court to speak to prisoners after a trial?”“Probably,” Finn says, “But I feel like you and me are different, don’t you? The very least you could do for me is let me ask you some questions.”
Relationships: Finn & Ben Solo, Finn & Kylo Ren, Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: currently untitled reylo series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1682182
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	i'll sing you a lullaby (where you die at the end)

**Author's Note:**

> title from “milk and cookies” by melanie martinez lmao
> 
> anyway i’m actually kinda proud of this, so i hope you guys like this!!

Finn has done terrible things.

It doesn’t matter whether or not he had a choice in what he did as a stormtrooper or not—he still did it. No matter how you try and spin it, at the end of the day it was _him_ behind the trigger.

It’s thoughts like this that haunt him at night, that result in him laying in bed for the past few hours staring at the ceiling with only his thoughts as company. Tonight more than ever, now that the trial has happened. But tonight, all of them have to do with only one thing.

Kylo Ren.

During his time as a stormtrooper, Finn never saw Snoke—thank god—because very few people did. However, he _had_ heard whispers from other stormtroopers, General Hux, Captain Phasma, and other commanders on the ship, and none of the things he heard were good. Snoke was sadistic, cruel, and brutal; he sounded like the type of monster that starred in horror stories or the monster that lived under your bed. He knows that Snoke pushed Ren to train until he was black and blue and on the verge of collapse. That if something went wrong or Ren failed, he physically punished him in awful ways. Their relationship seemed more like Stockholm Syndrome than anything else.

Sometimes it almost seemed like Ren was just like him in a way—forced to do things he didn’t want to. That isn’t to say everything that Finn and Ren went through were on the same level of severity or that their experiences were completely the same. 

Not at all. 

No, what Finn means is that he can kind of relate to Ren. Or maybe that Ren can kind of relate to Finn. He’s not entirely sure which it is. What he _is_ sure of is the fact that everyone else in the Resistance would intensely disagree with Finn’s assessment. Either way, Finn really can’t help but think it. 

Finn spent more time with Han than anyone else toward the end of Han’s life, and during their time together Han had occasionally told him stories about Ren as a child. At the time, hearing them made his skin crawl. These stories had still been fresh in his mind when he saw Ren kill Han, and it caused his hatred for Ren to grow impossibly stronger.

 _Then_ he spent time with Leia, who also told him stories. The fact that Leia was still able to tell Finn things about Ren as an innocent child so soon after he murdered Han was hard for Finn to comprehend. And as more time passed, Leia continued speaking to him about Ren; she was convinced Ren could still turn to the light, and she told him this the last time they spoke before her death—Finn is almost positive that she did this not only because he had lived around Ren for so long, but also because Finn was the most likely to actually listen to her and not immediately brush off her claims. 

Finn has always tried to see the best in people, but it was just so _difficult_ for him to reconcile and grasp the fact that the person Han and Leia spoke of was the same person Finn lived with for so many years, and the past 48 hours have only made things more complicated.

And so he lays there and stares at the ceiling.

 _“Don’t cry, sweetheart.”_ Ren. 

_“It was_ you _that killed Snoke.”_ Rey. 

_“You’ll be fine after I die.”_ Ren. 

_“I just wish you would’ve let me tell the court about our bond and what happened on the Destroyer. Or at the very least the whole truth about our fight with Palpatine on Exegol.”_ Rey. 

God, the whole conversation Finn witnessed between them just won’t stop running through his head. He feels like there is so much he doesn’t know, like there is so much that _everyone but Rey and Ren_ don’t know. 

He turns and looks at the clock near his bed, and it’s slowly blinking **5:47**. Finn feels like it’s mocking him. 

He suddenly whips off the covers and gets out of bed. _Fuck it,_ he thinks as he puts on his clothes. _Fuck it,_ he thinks as he walks out the door and down the hallway. _Fuck it,_ he thinks as he approaches Ren’s cell.

_Fuck it._

As soon as Finn has Ren in his line of sight, the man in question opens his eyes. He’s sitting on the floor by his bed with his legs crossed; it almost looks like he’s meditating or something. He visibly startles at the sight of Finn in front of him but otherwise says nothing.

Finn doesn’t say anything either, opting to just lean against the wall across from Ren’s cell and slide down so that they’re at eye-level. He pulls his knees up and rests his arms on them.

They stare at each other for a minute before Ren breaks the silence. “Is it time for my sentencing?”

Finn shakes his head. “That’s not for a few hours.”

“Then what are you doing here?” Ren asks; his tone of voice isn’t aggressive or defensive, only curious and confused.

Finn shrugs. “I just wanna talk to you,” he pauses. “And also ask some questions.”

Ren raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t it against the rules of the court to speak to prisoners after a trial?”

“Probably,” Finn says with another shrug, “But I feel like you and me are different, don’t you? The very least you could do for me is let me ask you some questions.”

Ren nods, a pained expression on his face. “I suppose you’re right,” he responds as he takes his hands off of his lap and leans back a bit on them. “Ask away.”

“Do you think people can change?”

Ren blinks, thrown; it’s obvious that this wasn’t the question he was expecting. There’s a long pause as he contemplates his answer.

“I… I don’t know.”

Finn raises an inquisitive eyebrow, not willing to let Ren off the hook without elaborating.

“Part of me really wants to believe it,” Ren whispers, avoiding eye contact, “really truly wants to believe it. But I’ve been alone with my thoughts a lot in this cell, and the more I think about it, the less sure I become.”

He lets that sink in for a minute before he nods. “I don’t know either,” Finn responds honestly.

Ren snaps his head up to gawk at him. “What.”

“I said that I don’t know either,” he repeats slowly. “Just like you, part of me wants to believe it. There are a lot of reasons I want to believe it. Rey loves you.” Ren’s eye twitches. “I think you love her, too. And I care about Rey and want her to be happy. I think we can both agree that she deserves that.” A hesitant nod. “But I also want to believe you’ve changed because I want you to feel regret. I want you to understand that the people you killed and the stormtroopers you abducted had a family. That _I_ had a family, and that the people you hurt were children, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters—not just nameless and faceless people.

“I’ve tried not to think about my time as a stormtrooper since escaping, but your trial has brought back memories of things that I didn’t even remember having. It also has me debating whether or not you’re aware of any of the things I just talked about, and because of that I’ve tried even _harder_ to remember things. And because of that I remembered you walking around the ship. Most of the time you had your helmet on but once or twice you didn’t, and I recently remembered one of those times. You probably thought nobody was looking, but I remember the furious and bitter expression you had on your face fell a bit. You looked… confused, almost. Like you didn’t know where you were or what you were doing. And if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought there was a bit of regret.”

Finn pauses for a second—he feels almost afraid to continue. He wants some form of closure here and he finds himself wanting to understand Ren, because he thinks both of them need that. Finn has seen Ren commit horrible acts, and he has ordered him and the other stormtroopers to participate in them; that is something he will never be able to forget. But even so, that doesn’t change how he feels about everything or what he’s about to say, at least not really. So Finn closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and at the time I don’t think I really _did_ know better. But I think I know better now, and I know that there really was a tiny bit of regret.”

He hears Ren take a shaky breath and looks up at Finn. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.” His voice cracks.

“Don’t get me wrong, Ren. A large part of me will always associate you with the murders and deaths you committed, both directly and indirectly. Especially what happened in that village on Jakku right before I escaped.” Finn says when it’s obvious Ren doesn’t have anything more to say, and Ren’s wince at his words doesn’t escape his notice. “Rey is convinced that Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are completely different people. I don’t know if I believe that. Do you?”

Ren bites his lip as he puts his hands back in his lap and looks down at them as he picks at the skin on his thumb. “I don’t know either.”

Finn is really starting to realize how one sided this conversation is, but he’s started rolling. Now that he’s started talking he can’t help but continue—he’s realizing things he hadn’t thought about before.

“Maybe Rey served as a large catalyst in your ‘turning’ or whatever she’s been calling it,” and Finn can’t help but put that in quotation marks, “but _I_ think you had doubts before she came into your life, didn’t you.” It’s obvious to both of them that this was a statement, not a question.

“I don’t know.”

Finn continues, ignoring Ren’s comment. “I had no choice in my position as a stormtrooper,” and the second wince Ren makes doesn’t escape his notice either, “and I’m beginning to think that a tiny part of you didn't either.

“There’s more to it than just that, though. I feel like other people don’t think about this, and it wasn’t until very recently that I myself thought about it… and by that I mean about four minutes ago.” Ren’s mouth twitches upward a little. “But the First Order wasn’t actually _your_ creation. It was up and running before you could even walk. It’s just easier to have you as a symbol.”

Ren shrugs. “I guess.”

Finn sighs at that answer. “You’re giving me nothing, Ren.”

He gets a raised eyebrow in response.

“I want you to talk to me. Tell me things,” he responds. “I know that you and Rey haven’t been completely honest.”

Ren’s eyes widen. He opens his mouth to protest, but Finn cuts him off.

“We both know I’m right, don’t lie to me about it,” he says sharply. “So tell me more. Tell me something that you didn’t tell the court yesterday. You know I deserve _something_ at the very least.”

And though Ren nods in acquience, he stays silent for a minute.

“You owe me nothing,” Ren eventually says, “but before I continue I must ask you for a favor.”

Finn is shocked to hear this, but he thinks he knows where this is going. He nods for Ren to continue. “Please don’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you,” he continues, and his tone sounds almost begging. “I know withholding information as a judge is against the rules, but at the same time this entire conversation has been against the rules, so.” Finn huffs and Ren’s mouth twitches up for a second before his somber expression returns. “I also want you to know that I’m not saying any of this to sway your opinion about me—I know that I will be executed for my crimes and I have come to peace with that. To put it in simpler terms, I want your ruling on my fate to remain the same as it was when you left the courtroom today.”

Despite already knowing that Ren had accepted his fact, it still throws him off to hear it again—actually this time even moreso, because his request implies that this entire time he’s believed that Finn plans to sentence him to death. In fact, he’s asking Finn to stick to that decision. 

_“We both saw the council and their reactions today. They’re going to vote for your execution, I know it, and I won’t be able to—”_

As soon as Finn nods, Ren sighs in relief. Then he starts talking.

“When Rey showed up on the _Destroyer,_ the two of us went to Snoke. He was going to make me kill her, saying that she was my ‘true enemy’ and that it needed to be done,” Ren whispers, and it’s so quiet Finn has to strain to hear. “I killed him instead.

“We fought off the rest of the guards in the room together,” he continues, not waiting for Finn to respond. “She tried to get me to return with her. I could tell she thought I would agree, and I could tell that it broke her heart when I refused. Even so, I didn’t kill her and she didn’t kill me. We let each other go.”

He personally has no idea how Ren hasn’t realized that telling Finn that Rey didn’t kill him and that his decision broke her heart implies that she _cared,_ that they knew each other enough that his death and refusal would hurt her; for all Finn should know, the two of them had only interacted once before this. Finn suspects it has something to do with what he witnessed between them last night.

He doesn’t voice this, of course. He just stays silent and waits for Ren to continue.

“After we fought again on the ruins of the Death Star, I let her go then, too. She stole my TIE fighter and headed straight to Exegol,” Ren says, and he huffs a laugh that’s filled with fondness. “I eventually followed her and I helped her defeat Palpatine.” He pauses and looks down at his hands; the silence is heavy. “She didn’t want me to come back here with her.”

Finn hums both in acknowledgment and as a signal for Ren to continue.

Ren looks up at Finn and makes eye contact with him. “She wanted me to run. She said that I needed to flee to a planet far from here, and that she would meet me there after she reunited with you. She planned to tell you all that I had died.” Ren pauses and scrunches his brows as if he’s trying to figure out how to finish his statement, and the lapse of silence gives Finn a moment to think.

He knows that there are plenty of things that Ren still isn’t telling him—namely how the hell Rey was in his cell earlier and then kriffing _disappeared_ from it—but at the same time a large part of him understands why. Rey has no idea that Ren is telling Finn any of this, considering the way that the two of them spoke last night implied that they were never going to tell anyone. Not only that, but the few things that Ren actually _did_ tell him could very easily incriminate Rey.

_“If they knew they would understand, at least a little. Ben, please, it isn’t too late for us to—”_

_“I can’t let you do that. Not only could it result in your friends and the public losing trust in you, but it could also put you in danger. Dying is a small price to pay for preventing either of those things from happening to you.”_

“As you can see, I refused,” Ren says, yanking Finn out of his thoughts. “I did this because I found myself at a loss for words at the mere _idea_ that I be allowed to continue living without being held accountable for all that I’ve done. Rey’s plea for me to run actually made me feel better about my decision to come here.

“I know that you know this already and that there is no point in denying it, so I’ll admit it—I love Rey, more than I thought myself capable of. I knew that she would’ve followed me to whichever awful planet I would’ve run to, and I couldn’t let her do that. She should never have to live with next to no one as company in the middle of nowhere, not again. Not just that, but I could neither take her from her friends nor take her friends from her. She loves all of you too much and would never be truly happy away from you—you’re her family, and I could never take her away from her family, not now that she finally has one.”

The amount of information Ren just gave him is making Finn’s head spin; there is so much Finn finds himself wanting to say in response. He knows that it’s a good thing that Ren didn’t tell the court anything about Rey, but he still finds himself thinking _why didn’t you say any of this during your trial._ He also finds himself thinking _she loves you, too_ and _thank you_ and most importantly, _I can tell you truly regret the things you’ve done._

Finn doesn’t say any of this, of course. He just nods and looks into the eyes of a man who believes he will die in a few hours, finding nothing but calm acceptance.

They sit in silence for a while after that, neither knowing what to say. Finn eventually cuts through the silence by blurting out, “I’m Force-sensitive.”

“I know.”

The panic he’s feeling must show on his face, because Ren raises his hands in a surrendering motion says, “I haven’t told anyone. To my knowledge Rey has no idea.”

Finn doesn’t know why, but he feels it in his bones—Ren is telling the truth. But he still can’t help but ask how he knows yet Rey doesn’t.

Ren shrugs. “Rey is not yet familiar enough with the Force to sense it in anyone else that isn’t as strong as me or Luke,” he explains, and he winces at the mention of his uncle. “I knew the second I saw you after arriving at the Resistance base.”

Finn finds this a bit unsettling, but decides not to focus on it too much. “That doesn’t explain why Rey doesn’t know,” he says suspiciously. 

Ren blinks in response, obviously confused. “Because I didn’t tell her?”

He just stares at Ren.

“Why would I?” Ren responds to Finn’s unspoken question. “I figured you would tell her when you felt the time was right. Besides, it’s not exactly my business or anything.”

Not for the first time, Finn finds himself surprised by the man in front of him—his mannerisms, his tone of speaking, his words. The man sitting in front of him almost seems like a stranger.

Huh.

“Thanks, I guess,” Finn says dumbly. 

Ren nods his head in acknowledgement before saying, “I think you should tell Rey once this whole mess is over. Luke taught her a bit, and I tried to teach her as much as time allowed me to. I know she can help you.”

Finn sits there for a second as he tries to comprehend the fact that Ren said ‘this whole mess’ when referring to his supposed execution before nodding.

Neither one of them says anything else; they just sort of look at each other.

They’re still sitting there and staring at each other when they hear the sound of a door opening near them, and they simultaneously break eye contact to look in the direction of the sound. Finn scrambles to stand and try to make it seem as if he’s just arrived and not like he’s been talking to their prisoner for hours. He hears Ren huff a quiet laugh at his frantic movements but Finn pointedly ignores it, and it’s a good thing he does considering a pair of guards turn the corner as soon as he’s standing.

One of them blinks in surprise at the sight of him. “Good morning, General Finn.”

Finn nods in greeting but otherwise stays silent—he’s an awful liar, and he’s almost positive the second he opens his mouth his voice will crack.

The other guard nods in greeting before looking at Ren with disdain. “We’ve come to collect the prisoner for sentencing,” he says to Finn without tearing his gaze away from Ren, who still hasn’t gotten up from his position on the floor.

His eyes stray to Finn for a second before he stands and stretches his arms out in front of him, obviously waiting to be cuffed despite the cell door not even being opened yet. 

The guard who greeted him opens the door and makes to cuff him, but Finn stops her before she can.

“I got it,” Finn blurts out quickly, trying to speak as fast and as little as possible to avoid looking guilty. She gives him an odd look and hands over the cuffs while the other opens the door to the cell.

Ren stares at Finn as he secures the cuffs on his wrists. The other guard grabs Ren’s arm and roughly pulls him out and pushes him forward. Ren stumbles and Finn grabs him by the crook of his elbow to keep him from falling on his face.

“Let’s go then,” one of them says cheerily, obviously happy to lead Ren to what he believes will be his death sentence, before they take their places in front of Finn and Ren and lead them forward.

Finn tightens his grip on Ren and leads him forward. 

The noise coming from the courtroom is so loud he can hear it from outside; though as soon as they enter the room the noise dies. Ren is looking straightforward, but Finn looks around for Rey. She looks heartbroken and a tiny bit upset, the ladder probably due to the fact that Finn is the one escorting Ren. Before he has the opportunity to look away from her, for some reason her expression becomes confused. He doesn’t have time to wonder why because it’s then that he sees Ren out of the corner of his eye, still looking straight ahead, square his shoulders and lean close.

“Please keep your promise,” he whispers into Finn’s ear.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed this!! if you did, please leave a comment or kudos :)
> 
> my tumblr is mysticdevils if you want to drop by and talk, send me prompts, or just tell me things you want to see in the next installment! i love hearing your ideas (feel free to leave some in the comments too if you don't feel like heading to my tumblr)


End file.
